From the Scots Skald: Th' Raid Oan Iceland

T'was noo th' time
Fur th' Scots tae raid
A fair way oaf tae th' land o' ice.

Tavish McTavish th' Laird o' th' North
Hid awa' his dosh 'n' set aff
Awae wi' his warband tae gang revenge
Oan Leif th' Jammy Bastard
By attacking his oathsworn Gunnblasdt th' Savage.

This wid be a warnin' - neist time
Tavish wid stickone oan heim insteed.
Thay crossed th' wild sea tae th'
Frozen shores o' that bleak land.
Keepin' edgy, in na time,
Tavish’s scoot hud fun a herd
O' prime hielan beef a-grazin' nearby.

But th' cattle wur protected
By some Viking warriors anaw berserkers.
Tavish hud come prepar'd,
His brave Scots warriors
Armed wi' pointy blades
Sportin' thair finest tartan kilts.
Th' gods wur wi' him tae,
Fur at his side wis his shaman Ewan Mea.

Th' Vikings tho' didnae fair rammy.
Th' wee feartie-cat Gunnblast hud tried instead
Tae pay aff some ae Tavish's men.
Bit a few pointy wurds
'N' th' threat o' a curse
Set th' Scots in order again.

"Whit dae ye think ye'r daein' ye jupin' skivers?
Ah ken ye'r a' stingy gits
Bit dae ye nae hae some loilty?"
Ewan Mea cried oot.
"Awa' ye go ya wee bastirts
Or ah'll gie ye a skelp!"

Sae thay wid hauld fur Tavish’s signal
'N' then tak' th' naurby kine
Bringin' thaim back tae th' ships.

Tavish, wi' Ewan Mea 'n' his picked men
Win' toward th' furthest herd
Behind some rocky ground.
As th' Scots approach'd
Th' Vikings wur in disarray,
Fur thair Laird hud yit tae turn up!
Thay didnae ken whither tae staun thair ground or bolt.

Slowly, thay retreated
Sae Tavish signalled his warband,
An' th' rammy stairted.

At lest, Gunnblast 'n' his men arrived,
Bae which time th' berserkers wur
Filled wi' rage an' in a richt pelter.
Th' Viking warriors a'vanc'd,
Attackin' Tavish’s kilted guard.
T'was a bloody stramash,
Bit th' Scots fought lik' wild beasties.
Wi' th' gods oan thair side murdurred a' th' enemy
At th' cost o' bit yin o' thair ain.

T'was nae time tae depairt,
'N' th' Scots headed fur thair boats.
Gunnblast wis fair rummled win he saw
Howfur mony o' his kine hud bin nicked.
His berserkers charged,
Yhey hairy naked fanatics
Foamin' at th' geggy as thay bolted.
Brave Tavish turned
Tae coupon thaim alone,
'N' at th' lest moment as th' berserkers charged,
In true Scots defiance,
Tavish took a maddy
An' pure wide he hurled his kilt aside
'N' exposed a' he hud tae th' wurld.

Sic bravery is mair than even berserkers kin tak'!

Thair attack stall'd, stutter'd, falter'd, 'n' fail'd,
Th' berserkers retreated in horror 'n' confusion
'N' hoofed it a' the wey hame.

Th' battle wis won, th' cattle nicked,
Revenge oan Leif th' Jammy wis taken.

'N' in Iceland to this dae tales ur tellt
Aroond campfires at nicht
Tae beware th' weap'n a Scotsman wields beneath his kilt.

From the Scots Skald: Awa' Wi' Ye Anglae-Danes!

Brave Laird Tavish escorted hi' baggage 

wi' a unit o' hearthguard, 'n' a unit o' warriors

N' brought alang his personal shaman fur guid luck. 

Th' traitorous scumbag Alfred 

O' th' sassenach horde

Hid lik' a feartie-cat 

Wi' twa units o' warriors,

A unit o' hearthguard wi' dane axes 

An' a unit o' levy bowmen.

Baith armies faced ilk ither o'er th' battlefield

Th' scots howling insults 'n' battle cries

Th' sassenachs cowering lik' li'l moosies.

Wi' baith o' Tavish’s units fernent th' baggage

Th' foremaist shift by th' whinging sassenach de'il 

Wis tae advance his hearthguard 'n' levy

N' then shoot th' brave Scots warriors

Th' useless dregs killing nae but yin man. 

Seein' th' approachin' ambush

Brave Tavish drew his baggage tae his richt 

Intae clear land beyond a wood. 

He pat is hearthguard 'n' warriors in th' wey tae mak' a screen

Afore th' nae-gid Anglae-Danish scrotes.

Huvin blootert awfy much cratur th' nicht afore,

Nae a' o' Tavish’s baggage cuid keep up! 

Th' lest unit wis exposed tae th' bowfing Anglae-Danes. 

Gi'n it laldy, 

See'n th' opportunity tae destroy 'n' plunder, 

Gallus Alfred sen' in his four hearthguard 

All a-chargin' an' wavin' their lang axes 

Agin th' rear baggage unit. 

Th' attack wis richt bonnie

Bit at a cost o' sassenach blud

Cuttin' th' hearthguard by hauf. 

Wi' yin baggage unit destroy'd

N' th' ither twa an' th' warriors fatugued

By th' experience o' seeing a unit destroy'd 

Tavish cried upon his shaman 

Fur hulp 'n' inspiration.

"Do yer dinger, ye reekin' tumshie, 

Or I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug!"

The Laird holler'd

An' th' order wa' carried oot forthwith.

Fortuin wis truly oan the side o' th' brave.

Th' three fatigued units wur claise enough 

Tae hear th' master’s wairds o' gumption

Tha lifted th' spirits. 

Tavish 'n' his baggage continued 

Tae shift aroon th' wood 

Harass'd by doaty sassenach archers. 

Wi' face like a skelped erse, 

Crabbit Alfred sen' his warriors

Aroond th' back o' th' wood 

Tae cut aff Tavish’s escape. 

Wi' an opportunity tae attack anither baggage, 

Grippie Alfred charged in yin o' his warrior units.

Bu' stoatin' the script don’t aye gang th' wey thay plan,

An' afore th' warriors cuid reach th' baggage 

Thay met th' end o' Tavish’s hearthguard screen. 

Tho' 'twas eight agin four th' battle-board wis gey muckle 

In Tavish’s favour, 

Fa' th' warriors wur reduced tae yin man in nae time. 

Seeing th' safety o' th' buird lip loomin' 

Tavish gaed fur it

An' sen' his baggage intae safety.

Reelin' fae th' massacre o' his warriors, 

Alfred di' hi' dinger, 

But whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye, as thay dae say. 

An' th' escape o' th' baggage wis th' final straw, 

Fur Alfred wi' th' remains o' his warband

Headed hame.

While wi' yin voice a' th' Scots a-cried:

"Awa' n bile your heads, an' dinnae haste ye back, ye bampot Jessies!"

The Skald's Tale (2): The Year of the Badger

Book 1 of The Eye of the Raven

The badger is a creature that is much pressed upon, yet which when cornered fights back strongly, often this gaining the upper hand on its many adversaries. Just like Norse Gaels.

The action during Campaign Season 1

Sing, o skald, your tale of old

Of those six years when warlords boldly

Fought to rule the land.

A time of rival conquerors

Who strove for kingship over all

To take the upper hand.

Anglo-Sax and Anglo-Dane

Contest England's divided plain,

Their armies poised for war.

While in the mountains Welsh and Scots

Contrive their own ambitious plots

Of conquest over all.

Across the sea, Norman and Frankish

Lords consult with men of rank

To justify their ruling right;

Despite the backing of the pope

Their claims, they know, are based on hope.

So they prepare to fight.

The Irish king kneels down to pray

That not long now will come the day

That he shall rule o'er all.

While on the isles at the world's edge

Hairy Viking warlords pledge

To pillage, raid and steal.

Amidst them all, a Norse Gael tribe

That claimed the hills about Strathclyde

Appeared the one to beat.

Its warlord Leif of little might

(He'd never won a single fight)

Was seen as easy meat.

The Scots played out ambitious plans

Advancing toward Norse Gael lands,

Attempting to invade there.

But Lucky Leif had made a pact

And his Oathsworn was the first to act,

Raiding Scots Dalraida.

Gunnblasdt's Vikings, keen to fight

Attacked the Scots before they might

Into Norse Gael lands come.

Their warbands fought across a burn,

But Icelanders were forced to turn

And run away back home.

Undeterred, the Scots advanced -

Considering the Norse Gaels pants

Against a foe as strong in size.

But they were met at mountain pass

And kicked quite sorely up the arse

Much to their surprise.

Leif, enthused by his success

Sent a warband to oppress

The Danes across the sea so blue.

They sneaked across the Danish plain

Returning, herd of cows obtained

Before the Danes could even moo.

The Danes were raiding elsewhere though,

Against their blood-sworn Irish foe

Conn Cétchathach, Irish chief.

They disappeared as fast they came

The Irish could not stop them gain

Their cut of Irish beef.

Thence back to Lucky Leif, at pains

To defend his land from Anglo Danes

Attacking down a mountain slope.

They battled hard and battled strong

But Anglo Danes did not last long

Before they gave up hope.

Finally, near winter tide

A Welsh warband raided Strathclyde

In search of vulnerable sheep.

Though finding only herds of cow

They did their business anyhow

And went back home complete.

Meanwhile Norman, Norway Vike,

Frank and Anglo-Sax alike

Took no part in this year's action.

So at the end of season one

With this year's battles all now done

The Norse Gaels are the leading faction.

The Skald's Tale (1): The Eye of the Raven

Eye of the Raven - Campaign Map

The Eye of the Raven watches over all, as plots are hatched, jealous raiders look across the seas and invaders make their plans for conquest.

At the start of our campaign eleven factions are poised for conquest. On the mainland of England, a fragile peace exists between the Anglo-Saxons in the south and, within the Danelaw, the Anglo-Danes. Northumbria, isolated, remains under the protection of the queen of the Anglo-Saxons. To the west, the land is threatened by the restless Welsh, while the wild Scots who occupy the mountainous lands to the north are an ever-present threat to more civilised lands. Between them lie the Norse Gaels in the mysterious hills of Strathclyde, while across the Channel, to the distant south, ambitious Normans and Franks look to expand their own empires. And watching all of this, jealous Warlords from the island kingdoms far across the seas - the Irish, and three nations of Vikings - arm themselves to raid and plunder wealthier foreign lands.

 And so, the struggle to find the King of all the Lands begins...

At the beginning of Part II of the Saga of Sagas, a great scholar again writes:

"Our Saga of Sagas now moves on, this time its tale expanding to the islands around Britain and as far as Iceland. Once more, its heroic narrative tells of the struggle for power between dark age warlords, some of whom we have met before in earlier tales."

Indeed.

And so this intermittent blog continues as a new Saga campaign at Wycombe Warband begins. This time, our campaign uses reules modified from Age of the Wolf, incorporating the campaign map shown above. All the details are posted at http://www.wycombewarband.org/eotr_campaign.php. Enjoy!

- Basculf the Unwashed, writing on the first day of the new Campaign

Le Chanson de Bob - Chapter IV

Many months have passed
Since last we sang
Of Robert Eponge
And his cheesy Breton knights

And in that long time
The people of Brittany have celebrated
A lot
With feasting,
Substantial cheese consumption
And an excess of wine,
Curious liqueurs,
Pommeau,
Calvados,
Crème de coing,
And even the nasty stuff that people in this part of the world call beer

So much so
That the hangover of the Bretons
Lasted even longer than the celebrations.

But a few of those
Who survived the party
Recalled the exploits of their hero
Robert Eponge
And the battle they won
Which is scribed here by our skald
Basculf the Unwashed
Recalling the tale
As best as anyone can remember
Filling in gaps in memory
With suitably apocryphal embellishment

So
It was on an open field
On the borders of Brittany
That a force of brave and particularly hairy Vikings
(Not for the first time)
And their Warlord
Einar Jonatansson
(That's right, the other one with the saga written in this blog)
Were met by Robert's brave Bretons

Einar Jonatansson
Unlike certain other leaders of hairy Viking factions
(see Chapter II)
Was very much not unready
Although he did make it clear he wasn't particularly happy about the openness of the terrain, the fact that he was facing Bretons, and various other matters, while his skald took notes, just in case.

The fearless Bretons, however
Might in this case themselves have been considered unready
For they were unfamiliar with recent changes
That had been made to the code of battle
The message evidently failing to reach them
(Or more likely they had not read their email or looked at Facebook recently)

And hence
Their order of battle proved particularly poorly thought out
Fielding one very large unit of knights
That after deployment realised they had left their War Banner at home

"Bum!"
Thought Robert Eponge
"Ha!"
Taunted Einar Jonatansson
"Ha!"
Jeered the hairy Viking horde
"Ha!"
Wrote Einar Jonatansson's skald
"S***"
Thought the banner bearer
Who understood that someone
Was in for a good slapping
(Probably him)
And would have said
"It's not my fault!"
But for the fact that
It was

The hairy Vikings charged
The Bretons fled, shooting
The hairy, sweating Vikings charged again
The Bretons scattered, shooting
The hairy, sweating, tired Vikings charged once more
But the Bretons would not be caught
And shot them again
And again

Thus
Though war-banner-less
The speed of the Breton horsemen
Aided by the openness of the battlefield
Combined with their use of the incredibly cheesy In All Directions ability
Meant the Vikings
Hairy, sweating and slow
Could not catch them

Jeer as they might
They were slowly
(Slower than if the Bretons had brought their War Banner, at least)
Picked off by relentless Breton javelins

Eventually
The Vikings
Hairy
Sweaty
Tired
And incredibly frustrated with this most irritating enemy
(Though not by any means disgraced)
Were considered defeated

The Viking skald was politely informed of precisely what would happen to him if he wrote about this in the Saga of Einar Jonatansson
And the Vikings called it a day and went home

As said above
With his final victory
There was much rejoicing in the land
King Bob was proclaimed
The greatest of all Warlords
And the Bretons
Were declared
The cheesiest
Of all factions
And
(Excepting House Rules and/or changes in the official FAQ)
The least likely to be invited to take part in future campaigns

Thus
At last
Our saga comes to an end

Thanks be to God

Although...

There is some talk
Of Robert Eponge
And his Breton knights
Turning up at a tournament somewhere
So as to demonstrate to the world
The power of Breton cheese

Well, you never know…

Le Chanson de Bob - Chapter III

In which we speak of events that unfolded after the Battle of Ubba's Mound, of the restoration of the confidence of the people of Brittany in their Lord Robert Eponge, and of his further adventures against the enemies of that fair land.

And so it was that

Robert Eponge returned home

Travelling through his lands

Before him

Word had spread

Of the battle at Ubba's Mound

Of the worthy deeds of the Breton knights

And of their great victory over the Vikings

The people of Brittany rejoiced

(The concerns they had previously expressed conveniently put aside)

And there was celebration throughout the land

Fine wine was uncorked

Tables were laden with all good things

Including many smelly cheeses

And the people feasted

Church bells rang

Choirs sang

All gave praise to God

And Robert Eponge

Lord of Brittany

Found his authority considerably improved

Word of these events spread

Even into other lands

Of that battle

Of the exploits of the Breton knights

Of the scattering of the hairy invaders

And of Ubba's humiliation

And the enemies of Brittany were filled with dread

Thus

Robert Eponge

(His reputation going before him)

Travelled throughout his lands

Visiting towns and villages

Showing his presence

Basking in glory

And collecting outstanding taxes that had previously been withheld

So, as the daylight began to fade

Approaching one such hamlet

The army of Robert Eponge

(Which was scattered over a fairly wide area)

Encountered a new enemy

Hiding behind a building

A small force of Anglo-Danes

(Their army was also spread about the land)

A band of rough peasant archers

And armoured spearmen

Tall swarthy Saxlanders

Chosen men

Protectors of their Lord

Thorvald Heldigson

Known by reputation

From Miklagard to Aarsborg

As among the bravest of leaders

Most warlike in manner

Greatest of victors

Mightiest of Warlords

Who had never known defeat

Hiding behind a building

Word was sent by both leaders

To their armies, to gather at this place

A small hamlet, tucked between rocky ground and fields

On the borders of Brittany

The army of Robert Eponge

Deployed in open ground

The brave knights of Patrick Etoile

Arrayed beneath the banner of Brittany

On the left flank

As usual

Warriors

Protecting Robert himself

On the right

The army of Thorvald Heldigson

In tight formation

Archers inside the building

Arrows notched, ready to shoot

Huscarls behind

Protecting their Lord

And so the armies stood for a while

Facing each other

Sort of

With a building between them

Anglo Danes

Wary of the reputation of their enemy

Waiting for reinforcements

Or for the Bretons to move into range of their archers

Or make some other silly tactical error

Bretons

Wary of the reputation of their enemy

Waiting to see what the Anglo-Danes would do

Or for some sort of sign from Heaven

Or something

(And pretty soon coming to the realisation that their approach wasn't a particularly great winning tactic if all the Anglo-Danes were going to do was hide in the building and wait for the Bretons to do something)

The arrival of the remainder of the Breton army

One small unit of knights from the rear

One unit of Warriors beside the rocky ground to the left

(Who had travelled swiftly after receiving news of the situation)

Prompted Robert Eponge into action

Otherwise, it seemed very likely that very little would happen

Cautiously

The Bretons advanced

Closing down the distance

But casting their minds back to lessons learned from cheesy Norman

Sensibly keeping sufficiently far away from the enemy archers not to be shot at

More Anglo-Danish forces then arrived

Spearmen reinforcing those hiding behind the building

And more bow-armed peasants, advancing into the rocky ground

Though there was no sign from Heaven

Robert Eponge realised

The moment was now or never

To take the initiative

(Though he did momentarily consider not taking it)

The knights of Patrick Etoile advanced

Letting loose a volley of javelins

Into the building

Three peasants fell dead

And the knights backed off to what they thought was a safe distance

In that moment

The Anglo-Danes seized their chance

To counterattack

For while the knights had backed off

They had not moved far enough away

To be sure of safety

Furthermore

The Breton Warriors

Moving slowly past the rocky ground

Were in much the same predicament

The peasants advanced and took aim

Remaining amongst the rocks on the flank

Advancing into the open before the building.

Arrows were loosed

But with God on their side

Not a single Breton knight fell

And only two Warriors met their death

The knights then advanced

Throwing javelins once, twice

And all the peasants before the house were slain

As the last of the enemy arrived

The Bretons fell back

To positions in the open ground

Occasionally sniping at the enemy

Who remained hiding in cover

Thorvald's men hid

Praying for nightfall

Making their escape

Soon as fading light allowed

Once again

Valiant Robert Eponge

Protector of Brittany

Had seen off the enemies of that fair land

He gave arm rings to his men

And others

Dogs of War

Mercenaries from distant lands

Seeking honour and plunder

Rallied to his banner

And Robert Eponge returned in glory

To the acclaim of his people

Who, honouring his deeds

Proclaimed him Duc

Thanks be to God

And

Robert Eponge

Duc de Bretagne

Le Chanson de Bob - Chapter II

In which we tell the tale of events after the attack of the cheesy Normans, of Robert Eponge's facing the army of the invader Ubba "The Unready" and his force of hairy plunder-seeking Viking raiders, and of the confrontation that is known to history as "The Battle of Ubba's Mound".

Once more we sing of brave Robert

Who, despite seeing off the cheesy Norman invader

From the borders of his land

Was now under a bit of pressure.

The cost of dispersing that barbarous foe

Had been high

Many were the brave knights of Brittany

That had fallen in that noble endeavour.

And hence many too were the people of Brittany

Who had lost sons and husbands

And who

Quite frankly

Weren't at all happy with the situation.

Questions were being asked

About Robert Eponge

About his right to rule the land

His authority to command the army

And his general level of competence.

Robert himself

Was rightly worried

He sensed his people on the brink of rebellion

And knew he had to do something about it

PDQ

Worse still

This unfortunate situation

Was apparent to other jealous neighbours

And further abroad,

Even to those in distant lands

For word had spread to all corners of the world

Of the rich pickings of Brittany

There for the taking

For whoever might try

And of its weak defenders

Who could scarcely be considered the equal of warriors of any other nation

Given the rumours of their pathetic showing against the cheesy Normans

These tales reached the eager ears of one

Hairy Viking

Ubba

Ambitious for glory

Hungry for adventure

Greedy for plunder

(Yet known as Unready)

But ready he made himself, and

His tall-prowed longship

With battle-ready hairy Viking crew

Soon made land on Breton shores

The Breton villagers

On spotting this foe

Were filled with dread

And fled into the hills and

(Temporarily putting aside thoughts of revolution for the time being)

Sent word to the court of Robert Eponge

Demanding help

Robert

(Who was not wholly blind to the obvious)

Saw that this was the opportunity he needed

To "do something about it PDQ"

And so

He did

The armies of Ubba and Robert Eponge

Made battle beside a mound-like hill

Open ground, a space between woodland and fields, a village to its south.

Robert faced the east, warriors to his left and right

His four household guards beside him

The twelve Machiterns of his faithful knight

Patrick Etoile

Bearing the Standard of Brittany

On his left

Preparing to charge

Opposite, facing west

Ubba

Flanked by hairy warriors

Hairier Huscarls on the flanks

And really hairy Berserkers

Made hairier by the skins they wore

Hiding

Beside the edge of a wood

Off to one side

Trying to be clever

Contemplating some sneaky trick

Suddenly

The calm was broken

Breton battle-horns sounded

Machiterns charged Huscarls

Throwing javelins once, twice, three times

Until the huscarls on that flank had all fallen dead

To their left the Machiterns then swarmed

Loosing more javelins

The trees could not protect the hairiest ones

Who all died too

And the Machiterns reformed their line.

"Bum"
Thought Ubba

(Who really had been unready)

And considered his options.

Briefly considering running away

(But he was too far from his ship)

He reconsidered, and

Having lost his right flank

Adjusted his battle plan

And advanced on the left instead.

Dressing their lines

Resting their horses

Robert's household knights advanced

Javelins were thrown

But Ubba's men were not deterred

And advanced, ignoring fatigue

Closing down the distance

Cornering Robert's household knights.

As resting Machiterns watched and

Warriors cautiously backed away

The cornered household knights charged

Uncharacteristically

Unexpectedly

(Some thought unwisely)

Tired Viking warriors

Bravely met their foe

Thinking the odds even

They were ready

But the Bretons had a trick up their sleeve

In mid-charge, loosing javelins

At the Vikings

Who were unready

And fate had deserted them

Slaying but one Breton knight

As five of their own number fell

Ubba

Determined

Charged with his huscarls

Ready or not

But the Bretons had another trick

No longer cornered

And instead of fighting, ran away

Ubba

Undeterred

(If a little frustrated)

Threw his Warriors at Robert's household knights

Finally getting rid of them

Albeit at equal cost

And in desperation

Threw them in at the Machiterns too

But in defence the horsemen were strong

Withstanding the attack

Slaying the warriors

Sowing the ground with Viking blood

Thus Ubba

On the mound-like hill

With three brave warriors remained

And called to Odin for help

And in desperation

Charged

But

Unready

He fell

And thus

(So it turned out)

"Something had been done about it PDQ"

Robert Eponge

Returned home in glory

Ubba didn't

Dragged off by his three remaining men

Finally home after an extremely slow  boat trip.