From the Scots Skald: Awa' Wi' Ye Anglae-Danes!

Brave Laird Tavish escorted hi' baggage 

wi' a unit o' hearthguard, 'n' a unit o' warriors

N' brought alang his personal shaman fur guid luck. 

Th' traitorous scumbag Alfred 

O' th' sassenach horde

Hid lik' a feartie-cat 

Wi' twa units o' warriors,

A unit o' hearthguard wi' dane axes 

An' a unit o' levy bowmen.

Baith armies faced ilk ither o'er th' battlefield

Th' scots howling insults 'n' battle cries

Th' sassenachs cowering lik' li'l moosies.

Wi' baith o' Tavish’s units fernent th' baggage

Th' foremaist shift by th' whinging sassenach de'il 

Wis tae advance his hearthguard 'n' levy

N' then shoot th' brave Scots warriors

Th' useless dregs killing nae but yin man. 

Seein' th' approachin' ambush

Brave Tavish drew his baggage tae his richt 

Intae clear land beyond a wood. 

He pat is hearthguard 'n' warriors in th' wey tae mak' a screen

Afore th' nae-gid Anglae-Danish scrotes.

Huvin blootert awfy much cratur th' nicht afore,

Nae a' o' Tavish’s baggage cuid keep up! 

Th' lest unit wis exposed tae th' bowfing Anglae-Danes. 

Gi'n it laldy, 

See'n th' opportunity tae destroy 'n' plunder, 

Gallus Alfred sen' in his four hearthguard 

All a-chargin' an' wavin' their lang axes 

Agin th' rear baggage unit. 

Th' attack wis richt bonnie

Bit at a cost o' sassenach blud

Cuttin' th' hearthguard by hauf. 

Wi' yin baggage unit destroy'd

N' th' ither twa an' th' warriors fatugued

By th' experience o' seeing a unit destroy'd 

Tavish cried upon his shaman 

Fur hulp 'n' inspiration.

"Do yer dinger, ye reekin' tumshie, 

Or I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug!"

The Laird holler'd

An' th' order wa' carried oot forthwith.

Fortuin wis truly oan the side o' th' brave.

Th' three fatigued units wur claise enough 

Tae hear th' master’s wairds o' gumption

Tha lifted th' spirits. 

Tavish 'n' his baggage continued 

Tae shift aroon th' wood 

Harass'd by doaty sassenach archers. 

Wi' face like a skelped erse, 

Crabbit Alfred sen' his warriors

Aroond th' back o' th' wood 

Tae cut aff Tavish’s escape. 

Wi' an opportunity tae attack anither baggage, 

Grippie Alfred charged in yin o' his warrior units.

Bu' stoatin' the script don’t aye gang th' wey thay plan,

An' afore th' warriors cuid reach th' baggage 

Thay met th' end o' Tavish’s hearthguard screen. 

Tho' 'twas eight agin four th' battle-board wis gey muckle 

In Tavish’s favour, 

Fa' th' warriors wur reduced tae yin man in nae time. 

Seeing th' safety o' th' buird lip loomin' 

Tavish gaed fur it

An' sen' his baggage intae safety.

Reelin' fae th' massacre o' his warriors, 

Alfred di' hi' dinger, 

But whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye, as thay dae say. 

An' th' escape o' th' baggage wis th' final straw, 

Fur Alfred wi' th' remains o' his warband

Headed hame.

While wi' yin voice a' th' Scots a-cried:

"Awa' n bile your heads, an' dinnae haste ye back, ye bampot Jessies!"

Le Chanson de Bob - Chapter III

In which we speak of events that unfolded after the Battle of Ubba's Mound, of the restoration of the confidence of the people of Brittany in their Lord Robert Eponge, and of his further adventures against the enemies of that fair land.

And so it was that

Robert Eponge returned home

Travelling through his lands

Before him

Word had spread

Of the battle at Ubba's Mound

Of the worthy deeds of the Breton knights

And of their great victory over the Vikings

The people of Brittany rejoiced

(The concerns they had previously expressed conveniently put aside)

And there was celebration throughout the land

Fine wine was uncorked

Tables were laden with all good things

Including many smelly cheeses

And the people feasted

Church bells rang

Choirs sang

All gave praise to God

And Robert Eponge

Lord of Brittany

Found his authority considerably improved

Word of these events spread

Even into other lands

Of that battle

Of the exploits of the Breton knights

Of the scattering of the hairy invaders

And of Ubba's humiliation

And the enemies of Brittany were filled with dread

Thus

Robert Eponge

(His reputation going before him)

Travelled throughout his lands

Visiting towns and villages

Showing his presence

Basking in glory

And collecting outstanding taxes that had previously been withheld

So, as the daylight began to fade

Approaching one such hamlet

The army of Robert Eponge

(Which was scattered over a fairly wide area)

Encountered a new enemy

Hiding behind a building

A small force of Anglo-Danes

(Their army was also spread about the land)

A band of rough peasant archers

And armoured spearmen

Tall swarthy Saxlanders

Chosen men

Protectors of their Lord

Thorvald Heldigson

Known by reputation

From Miklagard to Aarsborg

As among the bravest of leaders

Most warlike in manner

Greatest of victors

Mightiest of Warlords

Who had never known defeat

Hiding behind a building

Word was sent by both leaders

To their armies, to gather at this place

A small hamlet, tucked between rocky ground and fields

On the borders of Brittany

The army of Robert Eponge

Deployed in open ground

The brave knights of Patrick Etoile

Arrayed beneath the banner of Brittany

On the left flank

As usual

Warriors

Protecting Robert himself

On the right

The army of Thorvald Heldigson

In tight formation

Archers inside the building

Arrows notched, ready to shoot

Huscarls behind

Protecting their Lord

And so the armies stood for a while

Facing each other

Sort of

With a building between them

Anglo Danes

Wary of the reputation of their enemy

Waiting for reinforcements

Or for the Bretons to move into range of their archers

Or make some other silly tactical error

Bretons

Wary of the reputation of their enemy

Waiting to see what the Anglo-Danes would do

Or for some sort of sign from Heaven

Or something

(And pretty soon coming to the realisation that their approach wasn't a particularly great winning tactic if all the Anglo-Danes were going to do was hide in the building and wait for the Bretons to do something)

The arrival of the remainder of the Breton army

One small unit of knights from the rear

One unit of Warriors beside the rocky ground to the left

(Who had travelled swiftly after receiving news of the situation)

Prompted Robert Eponge into action

Otherwise, it seemed very likely that very little would happen

Cautiously

The Bretons advanced

Closing down the distance

But casting their minds back to lessons learned from cheesy Norman

Sensibly keeping sufficiently far away from the enemy archers not to be shot at

More Anglo-Danish forces then arrived

Spearmen reinforcing those hiding behind the building

And more bow-armed peasants, advancing into the rocky ground

Though there was no sign from Heaven

Robert Eponge realised

The moment was now or never

To take the initiative

(Though he did momentarily consider not taking it)

The knights of Patrick Etoile advanced

Letting loose a volley of javelins

Into the building

Three peasants fell dead

And the knights backed off to what they thought was a safe distance

In that moment

The Anglo-Danes seized their chance

To counterattack

For while the knights had backed off

They had not moved far enough away

To be sure of safety

Furthermore

The Breton Warriors

Moving slowly past the rocky ground

Were in much the same predicament

The peasants advanced and took aim

Remaining amongst the rocks on the flank

Advancing into the open before the building.

Arrows were loosed

But with God on their side

Not a single Breton knight fell

And only two Warriors met their death

The knights then advanced

Throwing javelins once, twice

And all the peasants before the house were slain

As the last of the enemy arrived

The Bretons fell back

To positions in the open ground

Occasionally sniping at the enemy

Who remained hiding in cover

Thorvald's men hid

Praying for nightfall

Making their escape

Soon as fading light allowed

Once again

Valiant Robert Eponge

Protector of Brittany

Had seen off the enemies of that fair land

He gave arm rings to his men

And others

Dogs of War

Mercenaries from distant lands

Seeking honour and plunder

Rallied to his banner

And Robert Eponge returned in glory

To the acclaim of his people

Who, honouring his deeds

Proclaimed him Duc

Thanks be to God

And

Robert Eponge

Duc de Bretagne

The Saga of Caradog ap Llewellyn - Chapter One

Once again the English crossed the border into my lands looking for gold and slaves. This time the invader was Guffer AEg-Stank, he of the strange accent.

I decided to confront them at a river crossing not far from the border and arrived at the place toward mid morn. The river is fast flowing and deep with two wooden bridges across it. In front of the left bridge on my side of the river is an area of rocky ground and I placed my archers within supported by four warriors. To the right of the rocky ground betwixt the two crossings is a crop field, high with winter barley, and I placed eight of my Hearthguard here so that they could respond to attack across either bridge. The ground around the right hand bridge is open and I placed twelve warriors opposite the crossing to defend it and supported them with my four remaining Hearthguard.  I took my place with the Hearthguard in the field and awaited Guffer.

He soon appeared across the valley and formed his warband to attack my position. He deployed two units of eight axe wielding Hearthguard and a unit of eight warriors opposite the left bridge. His last unit of eight warriors deployed close to the right hand bridge.

The English began banging weapons on shields to raise their courage. In response my brave boys sung Men of Harlech, drowning out the English clamour with Welsh harmony!

Guffer charged a unit of warriors and both units of Hearthguard across the left hand bridge, shouting encouragement from the rear. The warriors formed their shieldwall on my side of the river with a Heartguard unit on their right. The second Hearthguard unit formed on the bridge behind the warriors. All seemed winded by the exertion.

My archers pulled back deeper into the rocks and loosed a volley at the enemy warriors which dropped one of them. I pushed my Hearthguard out of the barley field at a run and showered the English Hearthguards on the bridge with javelins but only saw one fall.

Guffer had his warriors charge my Hearthguard and my men slaughtered them like spring lambs without loss. Only three of the enemy warriors escaped death and fell back toward the bridge. The English on the bridge moved toward my Hearthguard but were reluctant to close with my men, cowed no doubt by the sight of our shields covered in English gore. Guffer was seen puffing his way across the bridge.

The English were where I wanted them, trapped in the killing ground. My archers, warriors and Hearthguard launched a torrent of arrows and javelins against the enemy Hearthguard killing six of them.

There followed a lull in the fighting during which Guffer withdrew the remnants of his warriors and decimated Hearthguards while advancing his remaining Hearthguard unit across the front of my levy to confront my Hearthguard.

Once again we deluged his Hearthguards with missiles but this time they formed a tight shieldwall that saved them from loss.

Guffer strode to the front of his men and led them in a charge against my Hearthguard. The fight was red tooth and claw and despite their bravery my men gave ground with the loss of five of their number. Four of the English fell to our swords.

My archers shot down two of the English warriors on the bridge but once again the enemy Hearthguard survived our javelins including four of my own casts.

With relentless determination Guffer charged again with his four Hearthguard and with despair I witnessed the slaughter of my three Hearthguard with no loss to the English.

I stood alone amongst the trampled barley confronted by Guffer and his four men. My four warriors moved out of the rocks in support and threw javelins at the enemy Hearthguard who deflected every dart. I made four casts at them but only killed one. My archers killed the last English warrior on the bridge as I glimpsed their warriors on the opposite side of the river moving toward the bridge on my left.

I cursed my decision to place my other four Hearthguard so far away, it would cost me this day.

Guffer and his last three Hearthguard charged me raining down axe blows that that rent my armour and split my shield in twain. A blow to my helmet knocked me unconscious.

When I came to my men related the last of the battle to me. My four brave warriors gave their lives to save me and killed one of the enemies Hearthguard. I had managed to kill another before I went down. The last of them was shot down by my archers.

Guffers last unit of warriors crossed the bridge and covered his withdrawal but lost three men to my archers as they did so.

Guffer claims the fight as honours even because he knocked me down. I say he went home with his tail between his legs. Thanks be to God.