Monday, 24 July 2017

From the Scots Skald: Th' Raid Oan Iceland

T'was noo th' time
Fur th' Scots tae raid
A fair way oaf tae th' land o' ice.

Tavish McTavish th' Laird o' th' North
Hid awa' his dosh 'n' set aff
Awae wi' his warband tae gang revenge
Oan Leif th' Jammy Bastard
By attacking his oathsworn Gunnblasdt th' Savage.

This wid be a warnin' - neist time
Tavish wid stickone oan heim insteed.
Thay crossed th' wild sea tae th'
Frozen shores o' that bleak land.
Keepin' edgy, in na time,
Tavish’s scoot hud fun a herd
O' prime hielan beef a-grazin' nearby.

But th' cattle wur protected
By some Viking warriors anaw berserkers.
Tavish hud come prepar'd,
His brave Scots warriors
Armed wi' pointy blades
Sportin' thair finest tartan kilts.
Th' gods wur wi' him tae,
Fur at his side wis his shaman Ewan Mea.

Th' Vikings tho' didnae fair rammy.
Th' wee feartie-cat Gunnblast hud tried instead
Tae pay aff some ae Tavish's men.
Bit a few pointy wurds
'N' th' threat o' a curse
Set th' Scots in order again.

"Whit dae ye think ye'r daein' ye jupin' skivers?
Ah ken ye'r a' stingy gits
Bit dae ye nae hae some loilty?"
Ewan Mea cried oot.
"Awa' ye go ya wee bastirts
Or ah'll gie ye a skelp!"

Sae thay wid hauld fur Tavish’s signal
'N' then tak' th' naurby kine
Bringin' thaim back tae th' ships.

Tavish, wi' Ewan Mea 'n' his picked men
Win' toward th' furthest herd
Behind some rocky ground.
As th' Scots approach'd
Th' Vikings wur in disarray,
Fur thair Laird hud yit tae turn up!
Thay didnae ken whither tae staun thair ground or bolt.

Slowly, thay retreated
Sae Tavish signalled his warband,
An' th' rammy stairted.

At lest, Gunnblast 'n' his men arrived,
Bae which time th' berserkers wur
Filled wi' rage an' in a richt pelter.
Th' Viking warriors a'vanc'd,
Attackin' Tavish’s kilted guard.
T'was a bloody stramash,
Bit th' Scots fought lik' wild beasties.
Wi' th' gods oan thair side murdurred a' th' enemy
At th' cost o' bit yin o' thair ain.

T'was nae time tae depairt,
'N' th' Scots headed fur thair boats.
Gunnblast wis fair rummled win he saw
Howfur mony o' his kine hud bin nicked.
His berserkers charged,
Yhey hairy naked fanatics
Foamin' at th' geggy as thay bolted.
Brave Tavish turned
Tae coupon thaim alone,
'N' at th' lest moment as th' berserkers charged,
In true Scots defiance,
Tavish took a maddy
An' pure wide he hurled his kilt aside
'N' exposed a' he hud tae th' wurld.

Sic bravery is mair than even berserkers kin tak'!

Thair attack stall'd, stutter'd, falter'd, 'n' fail'd,
Th' berserkers retreated in horror 'n' confusion
'N' hoofed it a' the wey hame.

Th' battle wis won, th' cattle nicked,
Revenge oan Leif th' Jammy wis taken.

'N' in Iceland to this dae tales ur tellt
Aroond campfires at nicht
Tae beware th' weap'n a Scotsman wields beneath his kilt.

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