Many months have
passed
Since last we sang
Of Robert Eponge
And his cheesy
Breton knights
And in that long
time
The people of
Brittany have celebrated
A lot
With feasting,
Substantial cheese
consumption
And an excess of
wine,
Curious liqueurs,
Pommeau,
Calvados,
Crème de coing,
And even the nasty
stuff that people in this part of the world call beer
So much so
That the hangover of
the Bretons
Lasted even longer
than the celebrations.
But a few of those
Who survived the
party
Recalled the
exploits of their hero
Robert Eponge
And the battle they
won
Which is scribed
here by our skald
Basculf the Unwashed
Recalling the tale
As best as anyone
can remember
Filling in gaps in
memory
With suitably
apocryphal embellishment
So
It was on an open
field
On the borders of
Brittany
That a force of
brave and particularly hairy Vikings
(Not for the first
time)
And their Warlord
Einar Jonatansson
(That's right, the
other one with the saga written in this blog)
Were met by Robert's
brave Bretons
Einar Jonatansson
Unlike certain
other leaders of hairy Viking factions
(see Chapter II)
Was very much not
unready
Although he did make
it clear he wasn't particularly happy about the openness of the terrain, the
fact that he was facing Bretons, and various other matters, while his skald
took notes, just in case.
The fearless
Bretons, however
Might in this case
themselves have been considered unready
For they were
unfamiliar with recent changes
That had been made
to the code of battle
The message
evidently failing to reach them
(Or more likely they
had not read their email or looked at Facebook recently)
And hence
Their order of
battle proved particularly poorly thought out
Fielding one very
large unit of knights
That after
deployment realised they had left their War Banner at home
"Bum!"
Thought Robert
Eponge
"Ha!"
Taunted Einar Jonatansson
"Ha!"
Jeered the hairy
Viking horde
"Ha!"
Wrote Einar Jonatansson's skald
"S***"
Thought the banner
bearer
Who understood that
someone
Was in for a good
slapping
(Probably him)
And would have said
"It's not my
fault!"
But for the fact
that
It was
The hairy Vikings
charged
The Bretons fled,
shooting
The hairy, sweating
Vikings charged again
The Bretons
scattered, shooting
The hairy, sweating,
tired Vikings charged once more
But the Bretons
would not be caught
And shot them again
And again
Thus
Though
war-banner-less
The speed of the
Breton horsemen
Aided by the
openness of the battlefield
Combined with their
use of the incredibly cheesy In All Directions
ability
Meant the Vikings
Hairy, sweating and
slow
Could not catch them
Jeer as they
might
They were slowly
(Slower than if the
Bretons had brought their War Banner, at least)
Picked off by
relentless Breton javelins
Eventually
The Vikings
Hairy
Sweaty
Tired
And incredibly
frustrated with this most irritating enemy
(Though not by any
means disgraced)
Were considered
defeated
The Viking skald was politely
informed of precisely what would happen to him if he wrote about this in the Saga of Einar Jonatansson
And the Vikings
called it a day and went home
As said above
With his final
victory
There was much
rejoicing in the land
King Bob was
proclaimed
The greatest of all
Warlords
And the Bretons
Were declared
The cheesiest
Of all factions
And
(Excepting House
Rules and/or changes in the official FAQ)
The least likely to
be invited to take part in future campaigns
Thus
At last
Our saga comes to an
end
Thanks be to God
Although...
There is some talk
Of Robert Eponge
And his Breton
knights
Turning up at a
tournament somewhere
So as to demonstrate
to the world
The power of Breton
cheese
Well, you never
know…
