In which we tell the
tale of events after the attack of the cheesy Normans, of Robert Eponge's
facing the army of the invader Ubba "The Unready" and his force of
hairy plunder-seeking Viking raiders, and of the confrontation that is known to
history as "The Battle of Ubba's Mound".
Once more we sing of
brave Robert
Who, despite seeing
off the cheesy Norman invader
From the borders of
his land
Was now under a bit
of pressure.
The cost of
dispersing that barbarous foe
Had been high
Many were the brave
knights of Brittany
That had fallen in
that noble endeavour.
And hence many too
were the people of Brittany
Who had lost sons
and husbands
And who
Quite frankly
Weren't at all happy
with the situation.
Questions were being
asked
About Robert Eponge
About his right to
rule the land
His authority to
command the army
And his general
level of competence.
Robert himself
Was rightly worried
He sensed his people
on the brink of rebellion
And knew he had to
do something about it
PDQ
Worse still
This unfortunate
situation
Was apparent to
other jealous neighbours
And further abroad,
Even to those in
distant lands
For word had spread
to all corners of the world
Of the rich pickings
of Brittany
There for the taking
For whoever might
try
And of its weak
defenders
Who could scarcely
be considered the equal of warriors of any other nation
Given the rumours of
their pathetic showing against the cheesy Normans
These tales reached
the eager ears of one
Hairy Viking
Ubba
Ambitious for glory
Hungry for adventure
Greedy for plunder
(Yet known as
Unready)
But ready he made
himself, and
His tall-prowed
longship
With battle-ready
hairy Viking crew
Soon made land on
Breton shores
The Breton villagers
On spotting this foe
Were filled with
dread
And fled into the
hills and
(Temporarily putting
aside thoughts of revolution for the time being)
Sent word to the
court of Robert Eponge
Demanding help
Robert
(Who was not wholly
blind to the obvious)
Saw that this was
the opportunity he needed
To "do
something about it PDQ"
And so
He did
The armies of Ubba
and Robert Eponge
Made battle beside a
mound-like hill
Open ground, a space
between woodland and fields, a village to its south.
Robert faced the
east, warriors to his left and right
His four household
guards beside him
The twelve
Machiterns of his faithful knight
Patrick Etoile
Bearing the Standard
of Brittany
On his left
Preparing to charge
Opposite, facing
west
Ubba
Flanked by hairy
warriors
Hairier Huscarls on
the flanks
And really hairy
Berserkers
Made hairier by the
skins they wore
Hiding
Beside the edge of a
wood
Off to one side
Trying to be clever
Contemplating some
sneaky trick
Suddenly
The calm was broken
Breton battle-horns
sounded
Machiterns charged
Huscarls
Throwing javelins
once, twice, three times
Until the huscarls
on that flank had all fallen dead
To their left the
Machiterns then swarmed
Loosing more
javelins
The trees could not
protect the hairiest ones
Who all died too
And the Machiterns
reformed their line.
"Bum"
Thought Ubba
Thought Ubba
(Who really had been
unready)
And considered his
options.
Briefly considering
running away
(But he was too far
from his ship)
He reconsidered, and
Having lost his
right flank
Adjusted his battle
plan
And advanced on the
left instead.
Dressing their lines
Resting their horses
Robert's household
knights advanced
Javelins were thrown
But Ubba's men were
not deterred
And advanced,
ignoring fatigue
Closing down the
distance
Cornering Robert's
household knights.
As resting
Machiterns watched and
Warriors cautiously
backed away
The cornered
household knights charged
Uncharacteristically
Unexpectedly
(Some thought
unwisely)
Tired Viking
warriors
Bravely met their
foe
Thinking the odds
even
They were ready
But the Bretons had
a trick up their sleeve
In mid-charge,
loosing javelins
At the Vikings
Who were unready
And fate had
deserted them
Slaying but one
Breton knight
As five of their own
number fell
Ubba
Determined
Charged with his
huscarls
Ready or not
But the Bretons had
another trick
No longer cornered
And instead of
fighting, ran away
Ubba
Undeterred
(If a little
frustrated)
Threw his Warriors
at Robert's household knights
Finally getting rid
of them
Albeit at equal cost
And in desperation
Threw them in at the
Machiterns too
But in defence the
horsemen were strong
Withstanding the
attack
Slaying the warriors
Sowing the ground
with Viking blood
Thus Ubba
On the mound-like
hill
With three brave
warriors remained
And called to Odin
for help
And in desperation
Charged
But
Unready
He fell
And thus
(So it turned out)
"Something had been done about it PDQ"
Robert Eponge
Returned home in
glory
Ubba didn't
Dragged off by his
three remaining men
Finally home after
an extremely slow boat trip.
